pioniX Christmas Party SS - 12/27/23

[nebulancer]

🎄Merry Christmas🌟

 

ーespressivoー [ーexpressiveー]

 

While awaiting Rei and Shiou to arrive so that they could officially declare their Christmas party started, Roa and Kuroi were killing time however they pleased.

Their relationship was one which remained pleasant even if they didn’t force themselves to chat.

 

Roa flipped through the pages of a magazine.

Kuroi took out his sheet music and was writing smoothly with a red pen.

 

Roa casually pointed a finger at the word written on the music sheet and asked Kuroi,

 

“What’s this mean?”

 

“Hm? ...Oh.

It means it’s like you, Roa.”

 

＊＊＊

 

I’ve been bad at controlling my emotions for as long as I could remember.

 

When I was a child, it was said that I was “plentiful in emotion,” but now that I’m an adult, they say I’m “too overemotional.”

I think I might have a little too much “capacity” for emotion, much like how there are people whose natural constitutions make them prone to sweating.

Ever since I was young, I’ve seriously been thinking that’s the case.

 

The emotions gushing out of me due to anything happening are like a water fountain or a geyser.

What would you call that forceful wave of feelings, which surge up from the depths of my heart, somewhere deep in my body?

I don’t even have the time to consider doing anything about this uncontrollable psychological response before it swallows me up entirely.

 

“Once I grow up.”

“Once I become an adult.”

“Once I’m more mature.”

I truly believed that I’d become at least a little better at handling it, but I honestly haven’t changed all that much.

Seriously, what’s with this?

 

Out of the four major emotions: joy, anger, sorrow, and pleasure, “joy” and “pleasure” don’t cause all too much trouble to those around me, so let’s put those aside for now. The problematic ones are “anger and sorrow.”

I’m already a working adult out in society, yet I can’t control these two. It’s genuinely unpleasant.

I’m aware of it. No one gets it more than I do.

 

When I don’t have a complete understanding of things I should have a grasp on, I cry.

When there are things I want to say, yet I can’t say them well enough, I cry.

Even though I don’t want to cry, I cry.

 

Thinking about it again, I realize that I’m crying at the drop of a hat. And I sigh in exasperation.

 

“Don’t think you’ll get off easy just because you’re crying.”

“You’re a grown adult. Quit crying.”

 

To tell the truth?

I think so too.

 

Even if rather hurtful words are lobbed at me, I accept them with a “Well, yeah, that’s true.” But I end up crying anyway.

 

I suppose my only solace was the fact that I’m the type who can shift my “anger” into “sorrow.”

I know for a fact that I wouldn’t be where I am today if I acted on my rage, considering what my job’s like.

Brushes with the law, being made into a joke for the weekly magazines... Just thinking about it sends chills down my spine.

 

The status quo is that people get tired of me, saying that I’m a “crybaby” or “childish,” but they leave it at that. To be honest, I might be blessed that things are this way.

 

＊＊＊

 

“espressivo...... Rich in emotion, full of expression, huh...?”

 

Searching it up on my phone, I sighed in exasperation.

Kuroi nodded at that.

 

“For the record, I mean it as a compliment.”

“Whuh~?”

“Why are you so dissatisfied?”

“Personally, I think it’d be better to have your poker face, Kuro.”

“I don’t have a poker face or anything of the sort. My facial muscles just don’t have much mobility.”

“......I know a guy like that. For example, there’s Shiki, or Shiki, or Shiki, or Shiki.”

“I can tell that you think Takamura-san has a poker face.”

 

When I asked him if they were already acquainted with each other, he replied that they drank red bean mochi soup together a while back.

What led to that situation?

I have nothing but questions to ask about that.

 

“Also there’s Arata from Gravi and Haruto from ROCK DOWN.”

“......That’s a lot.”

“......I think so too.

But if you want poker faces in their traditional meaning, there’s even more.

First, we have Rei-san?

And then there’s also Shu and Takaaki......

 

......

......

......

Do my former unit members even have working facial muscles?????”

 

“They’re just skilled at crafting faces befitting that situation. I respect them.”

“Ah, thanks, I know I’m—”

“Not you.”

“Hey.”

“Fufu.”

 

Kuroi laughed ever so lightly, but so gently, that it influenced me. I laughed too.

Kuroi drew a flowered circle on the word “espressivo” with the red pen he was holding.

 

“Full of emotion.

White and black. It means I want you to color the monochrome sheet music with as many glorious colors you can.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Only those who can express their hearts’ colors as they exist, are those with enough courage to send their pen flying across a blank white canvas.

Most people learn cheap tricks and shortcuts when they become adults, thus becoming sloppier.

I can’t really put my thoughts to words well, but Roa, I think you’re fine the way you are.”

 

“......”

 

“Your face is red.”

“Well, I’m ‘espressivo,’ after all!”

“Haha!”

 

I wish my younger self, who felt ashamed of his uncontrollable tears, could hear those words.

 

A late Christmas present.

To the crybabies, the easily angered, and the easily flustered.

 

May everyone spend tonight with smiles on their faces!

 

# Merry Xmas